Day By Day© by Chris Muir.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

A police officer suffered minor ankle injuries escorting a teenage boy home, when his five chihuahuas attacked the officer. Oooh, scaaaary!

And here, for your eternal amusement, are the Smoking Gun's 2005 Mugshots of the Year. Have fun.

A man in Portage, Michigan did what very few people are able to accomplish, then he did what we all do eventually. Ed Lorenz bowled a perfect 300 game while bowling, a feat he has accomplished three times in his life. Upon finishing the game, he promptly had a heart attack and died.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Joe Evans, an attorney, got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "Do you realize what time it is?? Where have you been?".... and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub .... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his Stay of Execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

Joe whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop?"

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet.

The old man stared at the teenager. In fact, whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.

Finally, the teenager said sarcastically, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just wondering if you're my son."

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."

The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing..... "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

This week's Carnival of Recipes is hosted by World Famous Recipes. Check them out; you won't regret it.

I hope everyone had a lovely weekend. I certainly did. My son called on Christmas Eve so the boys could thank us for the gift cards we sent them. They are growing up so fast! Then on Christmas Day, we had a lovely dinner at my daughter's house, and watched her kids open their gifts. I received a Kay Scarpetta novel from my husband, and my son-in-law gave me a most wonderful surprise. He got me a sign to put in our driveway, which proclaims "Reserved Parking - for the world's best grandma". Isn't that sweet? I've got two really great kids-in-law. Then we gathered up our stuff, and a ton of leftovers so I wouldn't have to cook, and came home for our traditional afternoon nap. How glorious! Nobody was disappointed in their gifts for a change. And I got lots of lovin' from the babies, so I have no complaints. Even the weather was nice. What a great weekend!

How unlucky can you get? A pickpocket in Berlin thought he'd hit the motherlode this week. He decided to rifle through the coats in the cloakroom of a brewery where a Christmas party was being held. What he didn't know until it was too late, was that the party was for law enforcement officers. When he was confronted by 35 armed men, he surrendered peacefully.

A family in Redmond, Washington is grieving this holiday season, because their 2-year-old son died Thanksgiving Day because of a stupid toy. Kenny Sweet was playing with a Magnetix toy with his older brother. Some of the little magnets fell out of the toy, and Kenny swallowed them. The magnets were so powerful that two of them attached to each other, pinching off a large segment of his intestines. That's what killed him. The section of intestine that was pinched off died, and the infection that ensued caused little Kenny's death.

Please check your kids's toys for these hidden dangers. I know you can't wrap a child in cotton and protect him from the perils of this world forever, but we could all be a little more observant, don't you think?

King Kong is loose!! Well, not anymore, but he was for a while. The 200-pound, 33-foot-tall inflatable Kong was stolen from the top of a movie theater in Springfield, Missouri. It has been returned, though. Some fraternity prank brought about the theft, and the guilty monkey-nappers have returned their victim. The theater has declined to press charges since the monkey was not damaged.

A woman in Blue Springs, Missouri was taken to the hospital because she had a cell phone caught in her throat. She and her boyfriend had been arguing over the phone, and she popped it in her mouth so he couldn't use it. I guess it was just a little too big to get down.

UPDATE Looks like the phone lady had a little help in trying to swallow the cell phone. Police are now saying the incident was an assault. No charges have been filed yet.

A woman in Blue Springs, Missouri was taken to the hospital because she had a cell phone caught in her throat. She and her boyfriend had been arguing over the phone, and she popped it in her mouth so he couldn't use it. I guess it was just a little too big to get down.

UPDATE Looks like the phone lady had a little help in trying to swallow the cell phone. Police are now saying the incident was an assault. No charges have been filed yet.

If you decide to burglarize a home, be sure to park your car so it will be accessible when you're trying to get away. A man in Maine didn't heed that advice, and will be spending some time behind bars for his mistake. When he tried to leave the home he had just robbed, his car got stuck in the snow in the victim's driveway. The victim, not realizing what had happened, tried to help the guy get his car out, and saw her property on the back seat. The police arrived before he could get his car unstuck.

Some people will go to great lengths for a buck. That's one of the more disgusting things about human beings. In this case, some "transplant gangs" steal bodies and cut them up to sell parts for transplant. It seems this has been going on for a while, but was highlighted when they stole the bones of Alistair Cooke, well-known broadcaster. The bones were sold for about $7,000.

When I was wishing a Merry/Happy Christmas, Hanukkah, etc. on Saturday, it seems I missed a group. Apparently, some communities now celebrate Festivus, a holiday featured on Seinfeld. One group in Pennsylvania really go all out. Whatever. I'll stick with Christmas, thank you. I can air my grievances any time I want. That's what blogging is for.

A construction crew in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin came to the rescue of a male husky with a really sticky problem.
Majorowicz spotted the gray and white dog sitting on the tracks Monday after his construction crew decided to call it a day because of the frigid temperatures. They headed into a restaurant for something to eat and when they came out an hour and a-half later, the dog was sitting in the same spot.

He approached the dog and offered it a bit of a muffin, but the animal wouldn't bite.
When the police arrived, they couldn't get the dog to come to them, either. They did notice that the dog was shivering continuously, so they called animal control officers to get involved.
Heyde hooked the dog around the neck with a catch pole in an attempt to capture the dog, but it would not budge.

"I lifted his tail and hind quarters, and saw he was literally frozen to the tracks," Strand said. "He was pretty hunkered down."

Strand pulled hard on the dog's tail, and was able to release him, but he said the dog lost a lot of hair in the process.

"He gave a heck of a whelp," he said.
Well, duh! If your balls were frozen to a railroad track and someone pulled you free, you'd scream your bloody head off, right? But it was for the best, all told. Just 10 minutes after they freed the dog, a freight train came through the area. The dog is doing fine now, and has been named "Ice Train".

A family in Engelwood, Pennsylvania had an unexpected visitor for Christmas this year, which reminded me fondly of "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation". As Mary O'Connor was studying in front of the tree, she happened to look up at just the right time, and saw the angel on top of the tree pop off. What really surprised her was the creature that took its place.
"I'm looking at the tree and the angel just pops off," she said. "And a second later, this head just popped up. The eyes were, like, glowing. I was thinking, 'Oh my God!' And I screamed."

Other family members came running. "We looked at it and I thought it might have been a fake," said her father, Michael O'Connor, a Frackville attorney. "But then it moved its head. And I thought 'Holy Jeez. We're in trouble.'"

O'Connor called police, and William E. O'Donnell, a state Game Commission deputy wildlife conservation officer, removed an 18-inch-long opossum from the 8-foot Douglas fir the family had bought, bundled, from a dealer in Seltzer.
I don't know about you, but that would totally freak me out.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Merry Christmas to all my loyal readers (both of you). I hope everyone who visits here has a joyous Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Eid, or (for atheists) holiday season. I probably won't post again until after the weekend. I babysat for my daughter Wednesday night so she and her husband could finish their shopping. Despite her assurances the children were in good health (with my COPD I get sick easily) when I got there, the three who were home were all a bit under the weather. (The oldest granddaughter is spending the week with her other grandmother). The smallest child was wiping his nose on everything in sight, the older boy was coughing on everyone, and my other granddaughter was running a fever and complaining of a stomachache. In addition, the house smelled faintly of formaldehyde. By the time I got home, I had a headache as well. I finally figured out that the baby goats my daughter was bottle feeding were the source of the smell. After she aired out the house on Thursday and changed their blankets, everybody felt better. I don't think she'll try taking on five babies at a time any more.

Anyway, today I've been fighting a sinus infection all day, and at present feel like my eyes are being pushed out of my head. Tomorrow, I have to make cheese dressing, and a huge pot of homemade chicken and noodles (my son-in-law loves these). I also have Christmas presents to wrap, and will be expecting a call from my son, who couldn't make it home for Christmas this year (as I expected). He'd better call if he knows what's good for him. He was too chicken to let me know they couldn't make it; he had his wife call.

So I probably won't post again until Monday evening. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Drive carefully and enjoy your families. You never know how long you're gonna have them around. Don't take them for granted.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

A woman in Germany was a real skeptic recently when the national lottery officials called to tell her she'd won the jackpot. She wouldn't believe them until they had the police notify her. She must have gotten a lot of hoax calls or something. But after the police paid her a visit, she accepted the news as fact.

They must build men really sturdy in Latvia. A man was hit and killed by a car after wandering drunk out into the road. The unusual thing about that is he was way over the legally drunk limit. His blood alcohol level was .9! The level is usually considered fatal before you hit .5, and he was nearly twice that and still going! I guess he's the exception to the rule.

You know, I'm beginning to think God really doesn't want anyone to live in Louisiana any more. On Tuesday, they had a 3.0 earthquake just 29 miles from Baton Rouge, and 44 miles from New Orleans. I'd sure think twice before moving back there. As Emeril would say, "BAM!"

Just a quick word on the Democrats raising Cain about President Bush authorizing the wiretaps without a court order: Shut Up!!! The President isn't doing anything that former Presidents Carter and Clinton didn't do. They both authorized wiretaps, searches and much more without benefit of a warrant. I didn't hear anyone screaming about it then, and they shouldn't be now. These same Democrats were pleased with themselves when they signed on to the Patriot Act. So I repeat: SHUT UP!! People who live in glass houses...

Did you hear a woman screaming in the vicinity of Oklahoma on Friday? That would have been Adrienne Ross, who gave birth Friday to little (hah) Lillian Elizabeth. The sweet child weighed in at a whopping 14 pounds 3 ounces, the largest child ever born in that particular hospital. Fortunately mama had a C-section, or she'd probably still be screaming. I know I would.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

If you're looking out your door and happen to see a stray moose head, its family wants it to come home. The Wentz family had a moose head, complete with 60-inch rack, in their garage, and it was taken. They would really like to have it home in time for Christmas. They've had it in the family for 35 years, and there is mention of a reward.

Researchers in Britain have determined that frequently Barbie dolls are mutilated by their owners. I could have told them that. I didn't much care for dolls when I was a kid, but my little sister did. Problem was she wanted a Ken doll to go with her Barbies, but she didn't have one. So she took one of the dolls, cut its hair and the ends of the feet so she wouldn't be on tiptoe, and caved her chest in so she'd look like a boy. You gotta admit she was a creative little thing.

I got a call from my daughter-in-law in Indiana yesterday. As I expected, they're not coming for Christmas this year. I knew they wouldn't be able to. They haven't lived there long enough to get time off for a trip. She and my son both have to work on Christmas Eve. She told me that Tom and the boys could come when he got off work, but she wouldn't be able to. I told her that if they all couldn't come home for Christmas, then they needed to stay together. Kids should be with their Mom and Dad at Christmas time, don't you think? Of course, I haven't heard from my son yet. He's afraid to call me cuz he thinks I'll be mad about it. I'm not mad at all. Like I said, I didn't expect they'd be able to get off work. So we're sending the boys a Wal-Mart gift card, with instructions to use them for stuff they wanted, not stuff they needed. I'm sure they can put them to good use.

Monday, December 19, 2005

It's time once again for the Carnival of Recipes, this week focusing on "Holiday" recipes. And this time Holiday is the appropriate term, as the recipes are for Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's, etc. I'm not one to shy away from saying "Merry Christmas" at every opportunity. Go to the carnival, try the recipes. Mind your granny.

In Wellington, New Zealand, a herd of 40 drunken Santas rampaged through town, creating all kinds of chaos in their wake. You can't even trust Santa any more, can you? Here's hoping they all wind up with coal in their stockings.

I wrote a few days ago about Hermie, the turtle who got dental surgery to help him eat. I'm sorry to say Hermie has passed on. He died from kidney failure. Not much a dentist can do about that.

I was sorry to hear that John Spencer, AKA Leo McGarry from West Wing, had passed away from a heart attack. Kinda ironic, since last season his character had the same problem, yet survived. When I was reading his obit, I was surprised to see he was a recurring character on the old Patty Duke Show. He played Cathy's boyfriend. At any rate, he was an excellent actor, and will be missed.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

I'm not blogging tonight, so come back tomorrow, okay? I'm doing some research on a serial killer for my husband, but I'll be back tomorrow. Thanks for stopping by. Don't forget to peruse the blogroll. They'll appreciate it, too. And check out the ads while you're here. Might as well get them to cough up some money as well. See ya tomorrow.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Andi the Police Dog needs a lawyer. The poor guy has been named as one of the defendants in a lawsuit filed by a convicted drug dealer. I'm reasonably sure his part of the case will be dismissed. However, what would they do to Andi if he were found liable? Send him to the pound?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Yesterday I wrote about a substitute teacher in Jacksonville who was arrested after snorting cocaine in front of his science class. Today, another Jacksonville school has made the news:
Three First Coast students are facing criminal charges after a teacher says they were involved in oral sex in the classroom.

Christopher Lemay, 18, is accused of paying a 16-year-old-girl to perform the act on another boy at Sandalwood High. Those two are under-age, so First Coast News is not releasing their identities.

Sandalwood administrators say the act happened under a table in a large class full of students, so the teacher had limited visibility.
Now I don't live in Jacksonville, so it may be none of my business. But if my children were in that particular school system, I'd want some answers form the school board as to what's going on down there. Perhaps the parents who live there could get involved and straighten things out before more kids are corrupted.

Who says it's always bad to leave your car door unlocked?
An anonymous gift-giver, apparently depressed over a lost love, left a $15,000 diamond engagement ring in somebody's else's unlocked car in a commuter parking lot.

The ring came in a box topped with a white bow and accompanied by a note, which read: "Merry Christmas. Thank you for leaving your car door unlocked. Instead of stealing your car I gave you a present. Hopefully this will land in the hands of someone you love, for my love is gone now. Merry Christmas to you."
I leave my car unlocked all the time. For the record, my ring size is 6, okay? I'll be waiting for my diamond, Santa.

I have really mixed feelings about this story. Hermie the Turtle got braces to correct a jaw alignment problem so he can eat better. I'm happy for Hermie, really I am; however, I am a little peeved that Hermie can get specialized dental care when there are so many kids in this country who can't get in to see a dentist because their insurance won't cover it or they just can't afford the fees. I really feel for those kids. I would have to drive more than two hours to find a dentist who accepts Medicaid here in Missouri, unless it was a medical emergency. But really, congrats Hermie.

How about those Iraqi elections today? Didn't that turn out great? From all the coverage I've heard today, there was very little that went wrong on the most important day this year. Very little intimidation was visible, and those who did try ran away before the Iraqi police (not US soldiers) showed up. The only serious problem I heard about was the occasional precinct running out of ballots because so many people showed up to vote! Too bad that doesn't happen here, right?

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Producer Mark Damon is developing an eight-hour miniseries based on Leo Tolstoy's epic "War and Peace". I read the book when I was a teenager, just because I'd heard how hard it was to read. But I finished it. It was kinda hard to follow, so I'm hoping the movie will clear it up for me. That is, if they show it on television. It will probably wind up on cable. Long gone are the days when a network would give up a full week or more for a miniseries, like they did with "Roots", "Shogun", and "Backstairs at the White House". All excellent series, by the way. Any more, the powers-that-be think a two-part movie is a miniseries. Not by a long shot, in my opinion.

Another television star has gotten his very own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Wayne Rogers, who played Trapper John McIntyre on M*A*S*H, was honored with the star this week. I'm glad to see it. He was my favorite of the surgeons on that wonderful show. His character had a marvelously evil sense of humor, and played well off Hawkeye's lecherous temperament. And he had a heart-stopping smile and twinkle in his eye when he laughed. Congratulations, Wayne. It's about time.

Okay, once again someone is taking a beautiful story and changing it to be more PC. Winnie the Pooh has been happily playing in the 100 acre woods for many, many years. He was quite happy, with Eeyore, Piglet, Kanga and Roo, Tigger, and the Owl (does he have a name?). And don't forget Christopher Robin. Oh, wait. That's what they want. Christopher Robin is being replaced with a girl! That is just sick and wrong. Leave the classics alone. If you want a story about a little girl and some animals, write a new one.

How lucky can one guy be? When he bought his 1989 Caprice Classic in 2004 for $1,200, Terry Dresdow just wanted a reliable vehicle to drive to work. So when it was stolen, he hadn't really lost a lot, comparatively speaking. Seven weeks later, he got a call from the police, stating they had found his car. He figures, well, it's probably in a million pieces by now. Not quite.
The new "owner" had coated the blue 1989 Chevrolet Caprice Classic in white paint, installed one of those killer stereos that fill the trunk with woofers and power boosters, and added shiny, spoked wheels and wide, low-profile tires.

"I also have keyless entry that I didn't have before, for the door and also the trunk," Terry said.

There's no indication that the new accessories were stolen, so they are his to keep.
Mr. Dresdow is not keeping the car, however. Now that it's been "pimped", he's gonna sell it as quickly as possible, before it gets stolen again. I can't say I blame him, really.

The students in the seventh-grade science class at Lake Shore Middle School in Jacksonville, Florida, all got high grades from their substitute teacher. They got high everything from this jerkwad.
A substitute teacher was arrested Thursday after students reported watching him use what appeared to be cocaine during a seventh-grade science class, authorities said.
Can you believe it? He couldn't even be bothered to try to hide it. Thank God the kids knew what to do.
Twenty-two students allegedly saw Kappila sniffing a white powder at a computer desk during class, police told The Florida Times-Union for its Friday editions. Two of the students left the classroom to report the alleged drug use, Lake Shore Middle School Principal Iranetta Wright said.
This guy was so blitzed, he tried to bluff his way out of it.
Kappila initially told authorities he had been mixing headache powders with coffee, but started inhaling the powders when he couldn't find the cup, according to a police report.

He told police it was cocaine after authorities found a bag of powder at his feet while he was being questioned, the report stated.

The powder in the bag tested positive for cocaine, police said.
What an idiot. He shouldn't be allowed within 1,000 yards of a classroom.

A supermarket in London is going to help their customers get past that boring lunchtime routine. They are going to start selling musical sandwiches. No, the sandwich doesn't sing. The box the sandwich comes in plays music when it is opened, much like those musical greeting cards they're selling these days. They are starting out with Christmas music (can you still say that?) but after the Christmas and New Year's holidays are over, will probably expand. Of course, the article had to throw in some puns:
While it's not certain how your true love would react to being given a tuneful tuna lunch on February 14, Church said the idea could also be used in conjunction with record companies to launch songs by new artists clamouring for the kudos.

The first offering will have no such ambitions, and will consist of a turkey and cranberry sauce sandwich with pork and cranberry stuffing. The new musical sandwiches will go on sale this week.

But further out, flavour/song combinations under consideration include Prawn To Be Wild, Let It Brie and that old Julio Iglesias favourite, Fillings, Tesco said.
They just couldn't resist, could they?

Here's a bit of advice for anyone who plans a burglary in New Zealand: Watch out for old people. A large, tattooed man decided to burglarize the North Hadley Park clubhouse, but was interrupted by several senior citizens arriving for their regular petanque game. He tried to shove his way past the old folks, but didn't quite make it. When the police arrived, these crime fighters had the thief hogtied, trussed up for market. I would love to be there for the trial, when the jury sees these grandmas and grandpas versus the behemoth they tackled and held for the police. I bet they all laugh their butts off.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Speaking of Oklahoma, the area around Kingfisher County is having a problem. The ground is farting. No, seriously, several geysers have sprouted up in the county, causing some concern that the gas shooting out could wind up in area water-wells and water systems.

A high school junior in Kansas was suspended from school for saying, "No problema". I'm not kidding. The school officials suspended this kid because he used Spanish in the school hallway, even though there was no official school policy against it. They have since apologized and reinstated him, however his family is still suing them. I don't blame them. The suspension was stupid, and the way the family was treated was stupid as well. There should at least be a reprimand in the official's permanent record. As of now, there has been no adverse consequences whatsoever.

Monday, December 12, 2005

In 2007, someone is going to be very happy in Oklahoma. I know, you're thinking, why would anyone in Oklahoma be happy? Well, I'll tell ya. In 1957, a brand new Plymouth Belvedere was entombed in a concrete vault, along with 5 gallons of gas and a case of beer. In 2007, it will be exhumed, and given away. Back in 57, they held a contest to see who would win the car, and the winner, to be announced in 07, will be the person (or that person's heirs) who most closely guessed how many people would be living in Tulsa in 2007. The gasoline was buried with the car, just in case combustion engines were obsolete in 2007. Isn't that cute?

Some policemen in Manila had a real scare the other day. They had trapped a python, but it got loose in the police station and slithered into the police sergeant's desk. In order to avoid injuring the critter, they destroyed the desk. I truly loved this quote, though:
"The policemen on duty were afraid, but they could not leave because it would embarrassing to run away while a television camera was filming the whole thing," Senior Police Officer Cesar Sabile said with a chuckle.
Somehow I don't think they were chuckling at the time.

This week's Carnival of Recipes, hosted by Dubious Wonder, is based on Christmas gifts. Some of this stuff looks really yummy! Check it out.

Looks like Cindy Sheehan's 15 minutes of fame isn't quite up yet. Peace Mom, a new play by nobel laureate Dario Fo, opened in London Saturday night. The play is based on letters written by Sheehan to President Bush, among other writings. I'm beginning to wonder if this woman is ever going to go away.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Looks like New Zealand has their very own brand of loon. A man in Wellington has outdistanced a lot of crazies in his own special way.
A man who robbed a New Zealand bank was so disappointed with his haul he tried again — this time by phone, police said Saturday.

"He's rung (the bank) and said 'I'm the guy who robbed you the other day and I want the manager to put some money in a bag and go and stand in the street," said Detective Sergeant Chris Winder of the Auckland Police.

"(He said) 'I'll drive by slowly and take the bag from you and drive off.'"
I'm happy to report this idiot was arrested.

Here's another example of life imitating art. Actor Lillo Brancato, who has played a mobster on The Sopranos, has been arrested in connection with a burglary in which a police officer was shot and killed. During the burglary, the officer shot Brancato and his accomplice before he died. They are currently in the hospital.

You Are Prancer

You are the perfect reindeer, with perfect hooves and perfect flying form.

Why You're Naughty: Because you're Santa's pet, and you won't let anyone show you up.

Why You're Nice: You have the softest fur and the sweetest carrot breath.
Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Death Watch 2005: Former Senator Eugene McCarthy and Richard Pryor died today. Two very different men, yet both controversial in their own ways. They definitely made life richer for those who loved them. I remember once, George Carlin was discussing Richard Pryor. He said that Richard had had a heart attack, so he (George) had a heart attack. Then Richard set himself on fire. So George... had another heart attack.

Sorry about the Death Watch bit. As I was typing it, I pictured Les Nessman with his giant gong, detailing the death of a prominent businessman on WKRP in Cincinnati. Funny how things stick with you over the years.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

This story should have run around Halloween: There's a turf war going on between two witches down in Florida. (ooh, spooky!)

The production company owned by Mel Gibson (swoon!) is going to be making a mini-series on the Holocaust. Naturally people are already talking about his father's ridiculous claims about the Holocaust being a lie. When are people going to realize that a father and son can have totally different opinions and beliefs? Mel Gibson has done some wonderful work, and it shouldn't be torn down by critics who can't tell the difference.

A 19 year old man in Port Jervis, NY was arrested for biting off the head of a gecko. I guess he wasn't satisfied with his insurance quote.

I guess some deer find it insulting when they aren't shot during hunting season. Five deer jumped off the roof of a five-story parking structure in an apparent group suicide. They figure the does got trapped in the parking structure and couldn't find their way out, and thought the trees were closer than they appeared. I guess they aren't very good at judging distance. On the bright side, several passersby got a lot of venison for their freezers.

Some people really are too stupid to live.
In an unusual case of mistaken identity, a woman who thought a block of white cheese was cocaine is charged with trying to hire a hit man to rob and kill four men. The woman also was mistaken about the hit man. He turned out to be an undercover police officer.
What more can you say?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Wow, that was fast. The next Carnival of Recipes is up already. This time the theme is Appetizers. Just in time for your Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa parties. Or just to munch on. Your choice.

This is pretty close, but I prefer blue and purple to red and orange. Oh, well.
Your Birth Month is August

Ambitious and strong, you find it easy to be successful.
You are brave and stubborn. No one's going to set your limits!

Your soul reflects: Strength, character, and devotion

Your gemstone: Peridot

Your flower: Poppy

Your colors: Orange, red, and light green
What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

Friday, December 02, 2005

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and the entire spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He said, "Honey, You were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Punctilious at Blog o'RAM is hosting this week's Carnival of Recipes. The theme this week is "hot and spicy", so be prepared.

I saw the strangest thing today. While my husband and I were out shopping (today was payday for both of us) we stopped at the Dollar General store near Springfield. I decided to wait in the car while he went in for dogfood. As I was waiting, I noticed there was an inflatable snowman just outside the door. Now the strange thing was the way people were reacting to that snowman. Every single child who went into the store stopped at that snowman and bopped it on it's little carrot nose. Every single child. I wonder why.

This is so funny, cos my nickname is monkeedo.
You Are Chunky Monkey Ice Cream

Truthfully, you're too spazzy to be chunky - you cheeky monkey!
What Flavor Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Are You?

You gotta watch out for squirrels in Russia. They're bad suckers. A pack of the little devils killed and ate a dog. Most squirrels just eat nuts. Hmmm.

Here's a helpful hint to anyone planning a burglary: If you're gonna do the crime, do not leave your bail receipt at the crime scene. The police aren't stupid. They can read your name and address and they will find you.

Okay people. It's now official. We're a fat, fat nation. Our butts are so big, now they need to use longer needles to give us injections. We should be ashamed of ourselves. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get a snack.

What a day. I had to go to OACAC (Ozarks Area Community Action Center)today and waste two hours listening to a series of tips and hints on energy saving. They do the same meeting every single year, and I'd blow it off, but if I did I couldn't get the energy assistance they offer every winter. It's hard to ignore someone offering to pay $600 of your heating bill every winter. So I yawned my way through it, and I'm set for the year. I don't like to use the money (really I don't), but they insist on it. They tell me if I don't use it, they have to give it back to the state offices, then they have trouble getting more later. So I'm supposed to let them pay my light bill, even when I can afford it, until they run out of money. What a crazy world we live in.

I got all signed up for that Medicare Part D Prescription crap. Actually, they sent me a letter telling me which plan I should use. It's a really good deal for me, since most of the drugs I take are generic. The new plan costs nothing for generic drugs. My problem now is my local pharmacy isn't signed up with this particular plan. They want me to change to another plan. So now it's either change plans, or change pharmacies. I'll probably change pharmacies. Granted I'll have to drive farther, but when Sir Mugley gets out of grad school we'll be moving, and I'd have to change pharmacies then anyway.

I also found out today that a friend of ours died yesterday. He was in his mid 50's. He and his sons were working on their well, and after the boys went in for the night he apparently had a heart attack. They found him the next morning lying on the ground, with the upper half of his body hanging down into the well opening. This has got to be hard on his wife, who's still recovering from a really nasty wreck last May where she broke her pelvis in three places. If you are a praying person, please remember them in your prayers.

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