Grandma's House

Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass lightbulb in his anus.

Mohammad, who is serving a four-year sentence for making liquor, prohibited for Muslims, said he was shocked when he was first told the cause of his discomfort. He swears he didn't know the bulb was there.

A federal judge has thrown out a case against two former Merriam residents who were fugitives for more than 14 years, saying the men's right to a speedy trial had been violated.

Eternal Image Inc., which makes customized caskets and urns, said on Friday it has signed a multiyear licensing agreement with Major League Baseball that allows the company to reproduce the names and logos of all 30 league teams on a new line of caskets and urns.

A British army regiment's ceremonial pet goat was demoted in disgrace after it marched out of line before a host of dignitaries during a parade to mark Queen Elizabeth II's birthday, a military spokesman said Saturday.

Lance Cpl. Dai Davies, 22, the goat's handler, was unable to keep control during the June 16 march. The mascot darted from side to side, throwing soldiers off their stride, Capt. Crispian Coates, a spokesman, said by telephone from the base in Cyprus.

Capt. William Rose, a soldier present at the parade, said the goat "was trying to head-butt the waist and nether regions of the drummers."

According to Clark County fire investigators, the homeowners had left a box of doughnuts on the stove on Sunday. The dog jumped up onto the stove to get to the doughnuts and accidentally flipped on a burner.

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job."

The worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We've just obtained a job opening from a very wealthy old man who needs a combination chauffeur/bodyguard to drive his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll be required to drive his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of the necessary clothes. Because of the long hours, all your meals will be provided. In addition, you will be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. A two-bedroom apartment above the garage comes with the position. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're kidding me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Example #1: FEMA did mismanage Katrina relief, but it's wrong to blame victims for spending irresponsibly.

Example #2: ...although FEMA's oversight was lacking, wasted money is an inevitable byproduct of providing rapid emergency assistance.

1. Cliff Huxtable - Cosby Show
2. Jim Anderson - Father Knows Best
3. Ward Cleaver - Leave it to Beaver
4. John Walton - The Waltons
5. Charles Ingalls - Little House on the Prairie

1. Cliff Huxtable - Cosby Show
2. Jim Anderson - Father Knows Best
3. Ward Cleaver - Leave it to Beaver
4. John Walton - The Waltons
5. Charles Ingalls - Little House on the Prairie

AMARILLO, Texas - Caitlin Campbell couldn't spell collyrium but someone couldn't spell her last name. A billboard went up in this Panhandle city to honor Caitlin's eighth-place finish in the national spelling bee. It reads: "Congratulations! Caitlin Cambell for making Amarillo proud."

Variety reports that Joel Surnow and Robert Cochran have made a deal to write the script for a feature film adaptation of "24," which would begin hooting next spring or summer. No talent has yet been signed, but apparently Kiefer Sutherland has expressed enthusiasm for doing a "24" movie.

Karl is a shameless bastard. This could explain why his mother killed herself. Once she discovered what a despicable soul she had spawned she apparently saw no other way out.

Rapper Eminem has signed on to return to the big screen in a modernized version of the 1960's western Have Gun, Will Travel.

A suburban police officer left a submachine gun in his unmarked vehicle while he attended a baseball game downtown, and returned to find it stolen, police said Thursday.

1. "Jaws" - This is a classic movie with a good message. No matter how afraid the chief of police was, he went out on that boat and saved the community from the shark.

2. "Godzilla" - Come on. Have you ever seen a monster like him? He never gave up. King Kong was killed, but not Godzilla. He came back at least a half dozen times. A true example of persistence.

3. "The Great Escape" - Excellent movie about giving your all, even though you're outnumbered. Steve McQueen was never successful, but he kept trying. Another excellent example of courage in the face of greater numbers would be "Battle of the Bulge".

4. "The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman" - I know this is a TV movie, but it's still a marvelous movie. And more than worthy of this list. Cicely Tyson deserved every acolade she received. I loved the last scene, when she slowly worked her way to the "Whites Only" water fountain, in front of the cops, and took a long, cool drink. True class.

5. "The Passion of the Christ" - This was the definitive movie on Christianity, and should not have been left off the list.

The leaders of the state's Democratic and Republican parties have asked voters not to cast ballots for state Supreme Court candidate Rachel Lea Hunter, whose fiery rhetoric in recent weeks has included comparing the actions of a black congressional candidate to that of a slave.

Last week, in a post on her Web site, Hunter criticized congressional candidate Vernon Robinson for running for office as a Republican, even though the staunch and outspoken conservative lost his bid for state GOP chair at the party's convention in 2005.

"Like a good slave, he has returned to the plantation," Hunter wrote about Robinson, who is black.

A police pursuit ended when the suspect's dog, not happy about being bounced around in the car, bit its owner on the face.

A retired farmer who says he served in the German army in World War II is turning part of his land into a battleground of sorts with his memorial to a leader he claims is misunderstood, Adolf Hitler.

Mahlon Hector pleaded guilty in Leicester Magistrates' Court to delivering a rare Mexican red-kneed tarantula in a box addressed to the colleague at a branch of the Marks & Spencer store in Leicester. At the same time, he handed store bosses his resignation.

These self-obsessed women seem genuinely unaware that 9-11 was an attack on our nation and acted like as if the terrorist attack only happened to them. They believe the entire country was required to marinate in their exquisite personal agony. Apparently, denouncing Bush was part of the closure process....

These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparazzies. I have never seen people enjoying their husband’s death so much.

First of all note that "she is enjoying her husband's death" is not the same as "she is glad her husband died". I can enjoy eating a sandwich that fell on the floor without being glad that it fell on the floor, and someone can enjoy the perks of having their husband dead without being glad that he is dead.

Second, people often do enjoy the perks of grief. Some people enjoy it a great deal. Women have deliberately harmed and even killed their own children because they enjoy the perks and attention of grieving. In fact, this practice is common enough to have a name: Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy.

Third, it isn't that outrageous to look at a woman's behavior after her husband's death and conclude that she is enjoying herself. Imagine a woman who starts out poor and marries a rich older man for his money but the man turns out to be a miser and never lets her spend money. When her husband dies, she starts spending money wildly on shoes, clothes, and exotic vacations. She takes a young good-looking lover and is seen with him all over town gushing over him. Wouldn't it be fair to say that this woman is enjoying her husbands death? It might not be polite to say it, but it would be a reasonable conclusion to draw from the evidence, would it not?

It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't been heard. The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week. As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk...

Just then an army sergeant came in and said, "Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?"

The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."

The sergeant said, "Looks to me like you're going to play cards."

The soldier said, "No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country, I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards."

The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"

"You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God.
The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments.
The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
The Five is for the five virgins that were ten but only five of them were glorified.
The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.
The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation.
The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives - the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the earth.
The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.
The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.
The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.
The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.
The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.

When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.
There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.
The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
Each suit has thirteen cards - there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.

So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."

The sergeant just stood there. After a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"

City police say a man walked into the station early Tuesday morning and asked the desk sergeant for a light.

That's when the man pulled out a partially filled crack pipe.

Teacher Sue Messenger had been creating mock crime scenes with fake skeletons and other evidence for more than 20 years to give students in her forensics courses a firsthand look at what crime scene investigators do.

On Monday, however, 29 students from St. Thomas Aquinas High School got more of a jolt they expected when they discovered the real body in Fort Lauderdale's Holiday Park.

The father of a Marine whose funeral was picketed by anti-gay protesters from a fundamentalist Kansas church filed an invasion-of-privacy suit against the demonstrators Monday.

It is believed to be the first lawsuit brought by a soldier’s family against Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kan., whose members routinely demonstrate at military funerals around the country.

Members of Westboro say the military deaths in Iraq are God’s punishment for America’s tolerance of gays. They typically carry signs with slogans such as “God Hates Fags” and “Thank God for IEDs,” a reference to the roadside bombs used by insurgents.

MEN ARE LIKE:

Laxatives... They irritate the crap out of you.
Bananas... The older they get, the less firm they are.
The Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Commercials... You can't believe a word they say.
Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

A top New York heart surgeon who was doing a mercy-mission operation on an 8-year-old boy in El Salvador had to scrub out in the middle of the procedure so he could donate his own rare-type blood to the patient.